NEW ORLEANS, LA — The FBI announced today that the horrific scene in New Orleans was not a terrorist attack, thereby confirming to the nation that it was, in fact, a terrorist attack.

The Bureau further stated that the perpetrator had no ties to Islam, letting the nation know that he was an Islamic terrorist.

"Judging from the ISIS flag on the truck driven by a man named Shamsud-Din Jabbar to commit mass murder, we see no sign that this attack was terrorism," explained FBI spokesman Dean Richmond. "The bombs and assault weapons inside the vehicle, as well as the lengthy manifesto confirming Jabbar's desire to kill as many civilians as possible, further point to this having no relation to terrorism. Rest assured, the FBI will leave no stone unturned as we strive to solve this mystery."

At publishing time, the FBI had confirmed that the perpetrator was not at the Capitol on January 6th, and therefore could not be a terrorist.

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