VATICAN CITY — Millions excitedly awaited the imminent announcement of the new Pope after smoke poured out of the Vatican this morning, only to learn it was just Cardinal Steve burning the toast again.

Shouts of excitement filled the city as camera crews raced to cover the news, but the smell of burnt bread soon gave way to disappointment.

"Dang it, Steve," said Cardinal Erdo, coughing through the smoke. "You can't just walk away from a toaster oven! How am I supposed to go out there and tell everyone you were just making toast? This is so freaking embarrassing. No more toast during papal conclaves, that goes for everyone."

Red vestments drawn tight, the cardinals went outside to address the media and clear up the confusion. "Behold," said Cardinal Tagle, lifting the burnt toast for all to see. "While we have not selected a Pope, we have sure as heck crossed one name off the list, and that's Cardinal Steve. He did it again, people. We are very sorry for the mix-up."

At publishing time, Cardinal Steve had caused yet another disturbance after lighting up his pipe inside the conclave.

Mission accomplished: Satan has just confirmed that Jesus of Nazareth was crucified and will never be coming back.