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Babylon Bee
The Babylon Bee
7 Jul 2023


NextImg:Ezra Miller Goes House To House Threatening Families To See 'The Flash'

STAMFORD, VT — Actor Ezra Miller has been traveling house to house threatening families to see The Flash, witnesses claim. Authorities are advising residents of Bennington County to lock their doors and, if approached, to contact police immediately.

"He is not a song and dance man," warned Sherrif Clarence Craw. "Miller attempts to lure families out of the house with promises of Michael Keaton but then subjects victims to his own acting abilities."

"This is classic predator behavior," Craw added.

The predator's agent downplayed the reports, saying "Actors are better than normal people and can do whatever they want."

The Flash actor was last seen choking out a humble farmer who criticized his performance as Credence Barebone in Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them as two-dimensional. The actor then allegedly groomed the farmer's children for a trip to the movies.

General Florg of the planet Graxon V has visited Earth - but he's having trouble understanding humans as he's never encountered a species with so many genders.