ARVADA, CO — Plumbing experts have determined that screaming, "No!! No, dear heavens, no!!!" is the most effective method of addressing an overflowing toilet.

"That's the key to avoiding flooding," said local plumber John Dudley. "You've got to really express that complete and total panic."

With the prospect of utter shame and humiliation over a clogged toilet at hand, civil engineering experts say that the more fear in your screaming, the better. "That's what really makes water flow downhill," said local engineer Dan Beminski. "Screaming in absolute terror at the thought of your turd sending poop water all over a friend's house is the golden ticket."

Local man Ben Larson reported incredible success in using his horrified cries to overcome a rapidly rising toilet at his in-laws' home. "I just started yelling as loud as I possibly could," said Mr. Larson. "Come to find out, that's exactly how the pros handle this kind of situation. I couldn't be more thankful. I can't imagine having to ask my mother-in-law where she keeps the plunger.

At publishing time, plumbers had also recommended making a really stupid face and shouting obscenities if a faucet starts spraying all over you.

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