U.S. — The entire federal workforces has officially been replaced by a noticeably fatigued Marco Rubio

With the federal government funding expiring at midnight last night, President Trump tapped Rubio to step in to fill the shoes of all 750,000 federal employees furloughed this morning.

"Congratulations Marco, another promotion," said Trump. "750,000 promotions, to be exact. That's a lot of promotions, maybe the most ever. I know a lot of people were worried about the government shutting down, wondered who would run everything, but I have taken care of everything. Marco will be running Social Security now, and the National Park service, and also manning the gift shop at the Washington Monument. He's doing terrific, Marco - got some bags under his eyes, but we don't hold that against him."

According to sources, Rubio has not slept in 92 hours and is entering into a state of complete delirium. "Marco doesn't know where he is any more, he can't form full sentences, he sometimes thinks he's in a Star Wars movie," said aide Amanda Beckendorf. "Even so, most of the agencies are running better now that it's just Marco."

At publishing time, Trump had announced that he had cut the deficit by one trillion dollars after making Rubio's new job titles permanent.