U.S. — The entirety of the American higher education system has officially been designated a terrorist organization by the United States federal government.

Intelligence officials stated that the university system met all of the criteria for designation, including extremist indoctrination, promoting violence, and murdering dissidents.

"It checks all the boxes," said Secretary of State Marco Rubio. "Honestly, just charging $200,000 for a Sociology degree really should qualify as terrorism. They've gone even further, setting up literal training campsites, advocating violence, and targeting specific populations. No one has churned out more terrorists or terrorism supporters than the American university system. Plus, they still offer Sociology degrees. Horrifying."

College administrators across the country expressed shock and outrage at the move by the government. "I am appalled," said professor Marhsa Silversmith from behind her keffiyeh. "This is a disgusting attack on academic freedom. I have done nothing but teach students to abandon the identity of their youth, conform to our ideology, and do violence to any who oppose us. We will fight this label of terrorism by any means necessary, no matter how violent we have to be."

At publishing time, Rubio had announced that the military would go ahead and bomb all Sociology departments for good measure.