U.S. — Radioactive debris from the planet Krypton, known as Kryptonite, was discovered at the site of an ICE raid on Friday, signaling that Mexican cartels had begun carrying the dangerous substance in an attempt to thwart new ICE agent Dean Cain.

Cain, 59, announced his plan to join ICE earlier this week, giving violent cartel members a chance to stock up on Kryptonite in case he was about to kick down their doors and send them back to Mexico — or worse — Alligator Alcatraz.

In retrospect, the American actor said he regrets openly advertising his decision to join the Immigration and Customs Enforcement agency.

"I thought I could inspire more people to join with me in defending truth, justice, and the American way," Cain said. "I did not expect people use my one weakness against me. That's on me."

But this may prove to be good news after all, according to acting ICE Director Todd Lyons. "Kryptonite can be very heavy," he explained. "If gang members and illegal aliens are carrying around Kryptonite, that's one less gun they can carry."

Cain, however, was not comforted. "I'm not worried about guns," he said. "It's the glowing, green rocks I'm worried about."

At publishing time, Dean Cain was in the hospital battling symptoms of heavy Kryptonite exposure, forcing ICE to call in Batman for assistance.

Our investigative journalists have uncovered this authentic Hitler jeans ad from 1942: