U.S. — The live-action remake of the beloved Disney film The Little Mermaid is just like a classic Disney movie but bad, say critics. Despite advances in CGI and ethnic diversity, the new film appears to have floundered with critics and fans alike.

"This new reimagining of the timeless Disney story is just like the classic tale your fondly remember from your childhood," said director Rob Marshall. "Except this one is bad."

Sources say this live-action The Little Mermaid abandons the escapism and animation of yesteryear for gritty reality in its fairy tale story by including themes of modern race dynamics and sexual consent. According to movie experts, this kind of thing is exactly what modern audiences crave.

"It is impossible to enjoy this film, it's that bad," Disney CEO Robert Iger said proudly. "This is exactly why I got into the business."

Children are among the film's harshest critics. Many younger children reportedly left screenings in tears, whining about how bad it was. 9-year-old Shannon LaSavignon said, "Wow, that was bad. I used to want to be a spunky mermaid, but now I have clinical depression."

At publishing time, parents longed for a return to form when Disney films were about dumb parents being righteously disobeyed in pursuit of foolish childhood dreams that led to dramatic and permanent consequences for all involved.

Should you get your kid the new iPhone 14? Of course.