ANCHORAGE, AK — Peace negotiations to end the war in Ukraine were reportedly off to a bad start after President Donald Trump accidentally ripped Russian President Vladimir Putin's arm off with a super macho handshake.

"Oh, wow! I'm so strong. I tried to tell you, Vlad. I tried to tell you, but you wouldn't listen," witnesses heard Trump say. "My hands are just so large and manly. Not like other hands. Not that you have to worry about them anymore. To tell you the truth, I did you a favor."

According to witnesses, the incident occurred as Trump came out to greet Putin on the tarmac at Joint Base Elmendorf-Richardson. Senior officials reported being in awe as Trump appeared to gently take Putin's hand and rip it off with a casual shake of the arm.

Trump was reportedly not unapologetic following the encounter, though he said he wishes Putin well. "You can tell a lot about a man by their handshake, and Vlad, oh boy, Vlad, he doesn't have a very good one. I hate to say it, but it's true. I tried to lower myself to his level and use about 10% force. It's true, just 10% of what I'm capable of. But it was enough," Trump said at a brief press event while Putin was rushed to the hospital. "I wish him well. 'Vladdy,' I told him, 'you spend too much time with malnourished Russians. You gotta' eat your vegetables and have your steak well-done with lots of ketchup. It's what men do."

The Russian president was rushed to the on-base hospital, where he was treated for severe blood loss with a blood transfusion. His arm is currently on ice pending surgery once his condition is stabilized.

At publishing time, doctors reported that Vladimir Putin's arm was reattached successfully, though he would never be able to ride on the back of his pet bear ever again.

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