U.S. — Despite holding a narrow lead in the Senate amid a hotly contested election year, Democrats have issued a nationwide Fetterman recall to address documented instances of malfunctions from the Pennsylvania senator.

Democratic leaders reportedly held high-level meetings to discuss potential solutions for the issue of John Fetterman failing to advocate for the party's prescribed positions and regularly acting counter to his manufacturer's programming, leading to a full recall being issued.

"We thought he'd be a reliable Democrat, but he's just not functioning correctly," said one Democrat official. "Once a product starts to fail in its intended purpose, it can become dangerous. We needed to get out ahead of this problem and issue a nationwide Fetterman recall to avoid things getting worse. Hopefully, we can round up all of the Fetterman out in circulation and keep it from causing any more issues."

Questions began to arise about Fetterman's safety and reliability shortly after he was elected and only intensified following his health issues and subsequent deviation from Democratic Party positions. "We advise everyone to be aware of the potential danger Fetterman now poses," another top Democrat consultant said. "We can no longer vouch for his ability to perform the proper functions he was programmed with, so it's best to steer clear of him and make sure he gets returned to the manufacturer for maintenance."

At publishing time, Democrats were preparing to issue a gag order to prevent Fetterman from casing any additional incidents that may pose a threat to the party's agenda until he could be reprogrammed.

When guns are finally banned in the coming utopia, you may still need to defend yourself on the rare occasion.