WASHINGTON, D.C. — In the wake of the Supreme Court ruling today that states could outlaw mutilating kids, Democrats were left wondering what else kids were good for.

With the Supreme Court having already ruled that a state could outlaw killing kids, Democrats had been content to mutilate them. However, after today's ruling, liberals have begun puzzling as to what other things you could do with a child.

"Goodness. No killing kids, no cutting them, no injecting them with hormones... what else do you do with them?" wondered Senator Chuck Schumer aloud. "Would you, like, play fetch with them? Wait, those are dogs. I have to be honest, I'm at a loss here."

Conservatives tried to offer examples of other activities to do with children besides killing or mutilating them, but to no avail. "I told Chuck you could take kids to the zoo, but he just kept asking if you could throw them in the tiger pit to be killed," said local conservative Tom Dillashaw. "I mentioned playing catch, and he asked if it was with razor blades that might cut their genitals. He, uh, probably shouldn't be around kids."

At publishing time, Democrats had begun trying to use children as paper weights to see if they were any good at that.

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