U.S. — As preparations geared up for the 2028 presidential election, the Democratic Party unveiled its new campaign slogan of "We Hate Capitalism, Hot Chicks, and the Jews."

The party expressed belief that the new slogan would convey a clear message about the party's values while broadening its appeal to new groups of potential voters.

"We were looking for a slogan that would communicate our agenda of abolishing capitalism, Jewish people, and objectively attractive women," one Democrat source said. "This new slogan couldn't be more perfect."

Party leaders reportedly scrapped other suggestions to return their platform and slogan to a more patriotic, America-loving tone in favor of embracing messaging that more accurately captured the hatred of economic success, Jews, and natural beauty.

"Beautiful women and Jews, much like capitalism, cannot be the future of this country," said Senator Bernie Sanders, who was given input to keep him from running again. "Personally, I'm for Justin Trudeau, but they tell me he's not qualified or something because he's 'Canadian.' Whatever that means."

Insiders said that creating a broad platform based on hating money, hot chicks, and Jews would be the key to building a strong coalition of voters for the next election cycle. "It's a perfect mixture of the people who vote for us," said one Democrat. "Once we find the right candidate who embodies all of those things, we'll have the election wrapped up."

At publishing time, former Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg reportedly had an early advantage to land the party's nomination due to finding attractive women "icky."

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