U.S. — Despite claims by President Donald Trump that American cities are being overrun by criminals, Democrat mayors across the country reported that violent crime was actually down 40% since they redefined the words "violent" and "crime".

Trump vowed to clean up America's streets, starting with ordering the National Guard into action to bolster law enforcement efforts in Washington, D.C., eliciting an outcry from mayors who pointed to a sharp drop in crimes now that the definition of crime had been completely changed.

"There's actually almost no crime when you look at it a certain way," said D.C. Mayor Muriel Bowser. "Ever since we determined that the word ‘violent' shouldn't include murders, rapes, assaults, or armed robberies and the word ‘crime' doesn't really have anything to do with committing acts that violate the law, we've seen a noticeable drop in violent crime. Trump is just trying to scare everyone into accepting his dictatorial rule."

Analysts admitted that redefining what words mean has had a significant impact on the data, with almost no homicides being committed since the definition of the word "homicide" was modified to exclude human lives taken by other humans. "Crime has virtually disappeared in parts of the country. That's going by the new definition of ‘crime,' of course."

"In fact," Mayor Bowser continued, "if acts of violent assault are called ‘loving' and breaking the law is referred to as ‘kindness,' then we've actually seen a huge spike in loving kindness in our city. So there."

At publishing time, Democrats were reportedly working on redefining the word "law" to mean now "oppressive" and the word "order" to mean "fascism".

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