WASHINGTON, D.C. — Pharmacies in the DC area are reporting a shortage of stimulant drugs following Biden's State of the Union Address last night.

"Yeah, some guys that looked like Secret Service came in here late afternoon and bought up everything we had," said Dr. Fran Boggins, who runs Capitol Drugs near the National Mall. "I told them we couldn't sell that much to one person but he flashed his badge and said it was for 'official government business.' Weird."

Over two dozen other locations in the area reported something similar shortages of Dexedrine, Adderall, Ritalin, and several others. "We're not sure what's driving demand right now," said another pharmacist. "It could be weeks before we're restocked."

At publishing time, all the cocaine dealers in the area had reported similar shortages.

It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.