WASHINGTON, D.C. — People hoping to learn any potentially new details from Jeffrey Epstein's closest associate were disappointed, as news broke late Friday afternoon that Congress had postponed Ghislaine Maxwell's testimony until after her death.

The long-awaited testimony was put on hold, as members of the House Oversight Committee revealed that it would be much more convenient for them if they could reschedule Maxwell's hearing until after her pending demise.

"We'll just hear what she has to say after she's dead," said Oversight Committee Chairman James Comer. "A lot of us have busy schedules for the next couple of weeks. We know everyone is interested in hearing more about this Epstein stuff, but it would really just work out better schedule-wise if we could hear her testimony following her death."

Other members of the committee agreed. "Her testimony will be just as useful posthumously," said Congressman Jim Jordan. "We were eager to get her in here and swear her in to find out what information she could provide, but we've been pressured by a lot of our colleagues to hold the hearing after she dies. We'll still be right here, ready to hear from her whether she's alive or not."

Following the postponement, Maxwell was reportedly relocated to a different detention facility and provided with an unusual number of bedsheets. "This is in no way a suggestion that she use the sheets to hang herself. We just want her to be comfortable. Even after she's dead."

At publishing time, Congress also requested that the security cameras outside Maxwell's cell be spontaneously deactivated at a certain time in the coming weeks.

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