OLD WESTBURY, NY — Sources close to the Ellington household claim that Kael Ellington, a recent graduate from Columbia University who majored in Gender Studies and Post-Colonial Deconstructionist Performance Art, is currently trying to find just the right spot to hang his first framed unemployment check.

According to Kael's parents, who shelled out $90,000 a year during his 9 semesters at Columbia, their son has been scrutinizing the walls of his basement suite all morning for the perfect place to display his $350 check from the U.S. Treasury, signifying his life as a college graduate has officially begun.

"No, not there - it might cover up my Palestinian flag," Kael allegedly muttered as he gazed at the wall, which was already covered in several Pride flags, an Elizabeth Warren "Eat The Rich" poster, a Che Guevara T-shirt, a LeBron James jersey, and various communist flags from regimes around the world. "What about here? No, I want to be able to see my Taylor Swift "The Eras Tour" poster. I wonder about over the bed…"

"We were a bit worried about Kael's career options, but we're quite relieved to see that he's going to be able to draw unemployment checks," said Jonathan Ellington, Kael's father. "All his degrees seemed to qualify him for was assistant DEI officer at the local community college, but he said that would involve "too much work" and has been sulking in the basement ever since. Hopefully, all this free money will cheer him up a little."

At publishing time, Kael had shown some initiative by applying to the local Starbucks, but was rejected for being too "white-adjacent."

We asked Trump to narrate 7 more famous historic battles, and the result was tremendous and magnificent. Everyone says so.