CINCINNATI, OH — Friday's violent mob-style attack took social media by storm over the weekend, forcing Chief of Police Teresa Theetge to call a press conference in which she asked citizens not to film violent crimes because it makes her look bad.

According to the chief's office, Theetge is particularly upset because the abundance of video footage posted to social media makes Cincinnati look like a lawless city. A fact, she says, is supposed to be a secret.

"That is unacceptable to film a crime in my city," she said. "It was horrendous, yes, but it also makes me look bad. Why did people film it? Just to let others know what happened and to force me to prioritize a crime I don't really care about? That's a waste of my important time."

Experts agree that if no one had been on hand to film the violent assault outside a weekend jazz festival, Cincinnati wouldn't look so awful right now. "It's a terrible crime to film a crime," said Theetge. "I promise whoever is responsible for filming this and posting to social media will be brought to justice."

At publishing time, Chief Theetge had also called on police to end the use of body cameras because of how bad they make criminals look.

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