CINCINNATI, OH — Local authorities issued a warning advising all white visitors to the city to please make sure they avoid assaulting the fists of black people with their skulls.

In a joint press conference with the police chief, Mayor Aftab Pureval strongly urged anyone who is white to exercise restraint during their time in the city.

"Every year, hundreds of innocent black fists are brutally attacked by the skulls, eye sockets, and jaws of cruel white people," said Pureval to reporters. "This senseless white-on-black violence must stop now. The sanctity and safety of our local black fists are at stake."

"For goodness' sake, show some humanity, white people."

Law enforcement experts confirmed that in addition to black fists and knuckles being constantly injured by whites, black-owned sneakers are often scuffed and damaged by defenseless and motionless white faces as they're stomped into the concrete. "This uncalled-for racial violence must end," said Cincinnati Councilwoman Victoria Parks. "Stop attacking black shoes with your faces. There's no excuse."

At publishing time, Cincinnati Police Chief Teresa Theetge made it known that any white people using their faces to bludgeon innocent, unsuspecting black fists would be brought to justice.

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