SANTA CLARITA, CA — Christian parents living in the valley have finally decided that a portable porn-streaming device is the perfect gift for their 13-year old son.

An intense debate had broken out between the Gregarchowitz couple over whether to give their son his very first porn-streaming device or a loaded gun for his upcoming birthday. They ultimately came to the conclusion that a new porn-streaming device would be much safer.

The device the Gregarchowitzes finally decided on was a brand new iPhone 16 Pro Max which features a larger 6.9-inch display, longer battery life, and a faster processor which will make accessing and streaming pornography that much easier.

"We prayed about it for sure," said Dale Gregarchowitz. "We think that he is finally ready for his own phone. The new iPhone has Wi-Fi 7 too which can achieve speeds of up to 10 Gigabits per second and can even stream 8k video theoretically!"

"At the end of the day we decided that he needed such a high-powered device so that he can always make a basic phone call to us in case of an emergency," said Susan Gregarchowitz.

"This new new iPhone looks like a good option. Surely this won't do irreparable harm to our young son."

At publishing time, an additional line of unlimited data that will certainly be used to stream porn 24/7 would only add $20 per month to the family's cell phone plan.

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