U.S. — Media personality Candace Owens was shocked and appalled today after discovering that Christmas originated because of the birth of a Jew.

"You've got to be kidding me," exclaimed a stunned Owens. "This whole thing -- the lights, the carols, people worshipping -- all this started because of a Jew being born? Ugh. Our entire national calendar revolves around this holiday, and no one talks about that it's all because of a Jew. And we're still pretending like they don't control everything?"

The horrified Owens began tearing down all of her Christmas decorations and throwing them out to the curb, disgusted that she had been tricked by a Jewish plot. Lighting her nativity scene on fire, Owens resolved to expose the villainous Christmas plot her listeners.

"Real Christians do not celebrate Christmas," said Owens the next morning as she began taping. "The fact is, if you're celebrating Christmas, you've been duped by the Jews. You're just a pawn, cheering the birth of a Jew, just like they want you to know. And when I say 'they', I think you know who I mean. The Jews."

At publishing time, Owens had once again gasped in dismay after learning that Easter celebrated the coming back to life of a Jewish guy.

Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.