U.S. — In anticipation of what promised to be a highly competitive pro football season, Calvinist sports analysts at The Babylon Bee predicted that each NFL team would win the games they were predestined to win by the Creator.

"Brethren, the outcomes of these games are not the work of human striving, but were fixed before the foundation of the world," said Buzz McKinley, the Bee's chief NFL correspondent. "We are confident in predicting that the winning teams will be whichever ones have been inscribed by the immutable decree of the Almighty, who worketh all things according to the council of His will."

"Soli deo gloria."

ESPN was reporting a more complicated picture, with analysts comparing statistics, star players, and game film study to provide a comprehensive picture of who was most likely to come out on top this year, apparently unaware that they were all completely powerless before the sovereignty of the Lord over all the affairs of men.

"Yeah, it's pretty much a done deal already," confirmed McKinley. "The Lombardi Trophy will end up in the hands of that team chosen by grace, and no rival playbook can overturn the will of Him who sits on the throne. No point in even watching it, really."

"We can pack it up, boys. Our job is over."

At publishing time, McKinley was reportedly praying to ask God to choose the Browns this year.

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