WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move sure to reduce road accidents among black and brown communities, Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg has announced the immediate closure of the Interstate System for 8-10 days so highways can undergo racial sensitivity training.

"We've got a crisis here in America where highways, bridges, even parking lots are allowed to racistly hurt drivers of color," said Buttigieg during an interview with Al Sharpton, who is still alive, on MSNBC, which is still alive. "As a gay man, I feel it is my duty to get to the bottom of this issue: racist roads."

Buttigieg explained that any highway refusing the training would be banned from use and possibly relegated to the asphalt mines.

Training modules will include:

At publishing time, Secretary Buttigieg had required all airplanes to declare a land use acknowledgment to indigenous airplane ancestors before being allowed to land.

14-year-old Amy knows what she wants in life: a permanent neck tattoo.