U.S. — In what turned out to be an incredibly lopsided match, buffering handily defeated Netflix last night by technical knockout.

"Netflix had a couple good moments, but it was no match for buffering," said ringside commentator Dan Miller. "Buffering dominated from start to finish, really gave a complete performance out there. Frankly, it was an embarrassing excuse for a fight. Netflix should have thrown in the dang towel."

While buffering was the favorite coming into the heavyweight clash, fans hoped that Netflix might somehow summon its prior glory and beat the odds. "I had hopes, but let's face it - it was buffering's night," sighed local man Tim Raskin. "I just thought that with $34 billion in annual revenue to use preparing to face off with buffering, maybe Netflix had a chance. It was not to be."

Sources inside Netflix blamed its poor showing on misplaced strategies leading up to the match. "Somehow, our spending $30 billion to making every franchise in history gay and crappy didn't pay off," said Netflix CEO Reed Hastings. "Maybe we should have bought a server or two, or upgraded our computers from these Commodore 64s. Hindsight, you know?"

At publishing time, Netflix had assured customers they could still watch programs on DVD that would be shipped in the mail.

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