PHILADELPHIA, PA — Former comedy legend and prolific rapist Bill Cosby announced outside his home this week that he has officially joined the terrorist group Hamas in an apparent attempt to convince progressive feminists to stop criticizing his raping behavior.

"Those Hamas people... they rape, and they rape all the day long and the left-wing feminists still love them," said Cosby to reporters. "So now, I am a 'Hamas.' As-salamu alaykum. Please do not criticize my raping, which is a legitimate act of decolonization and resistance. Allahu Akbar. Thank you."

Cosby's former critics were quick to backtrack their criticism of his sexual predation upon hearing the news.

"It seems Mr. Cosby has just been misunderstood this whole time," said Congresswoman Pramila Jayapal. "We are proud to stand with this brave and noble freedom fighter as he resists the dirty rat colonizers who live in Israel. Thank you, Mr. Cosby, for waging noble #resistance against genocide."

At publishing time, Cosby had been seen wearing a green Hamas headband and walking into a bar with a baggie full of quaaludes.

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