CHAPEL HILL, NC — Sources close to Jordon Hudson confirmed today that the 24-year-old has officially dumped Bill Belichick for Lou Holtz.

Rumors had surfaced over the past few weeks that Hudson's relationship with 73-year-old Belichick was on the rocks. Days later, Hudson was spotted with 88-year-old Lou Holtz.

"I needed someone more mature," explained Hudson, as details of the split became public. "Bill still had a lot of growing up to do. I'm ready for someone who is ready to settle down and who knows that they want out of life. Lou knows what he wants. It's a motorized scooter and applesauce."

At publishing time, Hudson had reportedly left Holtz for the corpse of John Madden.

The USA undeniably trumps our neighbors to the north.