WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what the media hailed as a triumphant victory for diplomacy, President Joe Biden struck a deal where Hamas gets to keep all its American hostages in exchange for Biden receiving 15 votes in Michigan this November.

Political analysts cited the deal as a crucial element in Biden's re-election strategy, with the 15 additional votes he'll receive in Michigan adding to the several hundred thousand untraceable mail-in ballots to give him a sizeable advantage — all at the low cost of Hamas's American hostages.

"It's the product of masterful negotiation," one White House insider said. "The election is going to be a close one, so the president needs every vote he can get. Allowing Hamas to keep their American hostages in return for guaranteeing 15 votes in Michigan is a real coup. The president is confident that the Americans being held hostage by Hamas would be proud to sacrifice themselves to make sure he gets re-elected."

When asked to comment on the deal, President Biden downplayed its importance. "I didn't do that," he said. "Listen, folks. I will not make any deal that leaves American lives in the hands of terrorists. What I did was nod my head when someone asked me if I wanted 15 more votes in Michigan. And they also said I could have ice cream. I like chocolate chip ice cream. Anyway…"

At publishing time, the White House had confirmed reports that they also agreed to send a dozen pallets of cash to Hamas in exchange for assurances that Biden would win Michigan.

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