WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Biden kicked off his State of the Union speech with a warm "Hello" to Dianne Feinstein, who was buried last October in a cemetery outside San Francisco.

"Hey, good to see you Diane! Looks like you beat the shingles! Atta girl," said Biden to the void of empty space beside Kamala Harris. "Let's get you a seat over there with Nancy Reagan and we'll get this party started."

Biden graciously escorted the apparent ghost of Dianne Feinstein to an empty chair, then returned to the lectern and launched into his speech. However, Biden stopped just seconds into his diatribe and began screaming, "Bin Laden! He's here, he's here! We've got him this time, Barack!" Biden then leapt over the lectern and began chasing the presumptive ghost of Osama around the chamber. Sadly, ghost-Osama eluded the President, who moped back to the lectern to finish screaming the words on the screen in front of him.

At publishing time, a revived President Biden had told aides to hurry him out of the Capitol so he could catch Johnny Carson on The Tonight Show.

It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.