U.S. — After years of examining the texts about the second coming of Christ, Bible scholars now believe that Jesus will return again thirteen days after the second coming in order to pick up the Orthodox believers.

With all of Christ's actions chronically delayed a couple of weeks on the Orthodox liturgical calendar, scholars believe that Christ bringing believers to Heaven at His second coming will prove no exception.

"It's only fitting," said theologian Dr. Rodney Stackhouse of Asbury Seminary. "Jesus will graciously allow in His return for the Orthodox to still have their own, super-special observance two weeks after the fact. It may be a nerve-racking couple of weeks for the bearded brethren."

Some scholars have argued that the trumpet sound will also sound different to each denomination, depending on their worship style. "We believe that evangelicals will hear a guitar with reverb slowly hitting a crescendo," said Stackhouse. "The good Lutherans will hear an epic organ chord, while the bad Lutherans will hear that video game 'womp-womp' sound. Church of Christ will hear a pitch pipe, and Baptists the traditional trumpet. Oh, and Methodists will just hear a voice saying, 'Sorry, no gays'."

At publishing time, scholars had agreed that Christ will separate out the Orthodox by a quick examination of beard length and level of grooming.

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