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Babylon Bee
The Babylon Bee
22 Jul 2023

NextImg:Bible Scholars Believe That Jacob First Described Leah As ‘Mid’

U.S. — Scholars at Dallas Theological Seminary say they now believe that Jacob's first assessment of Leah was to describe her as "mid".

"That one word pretty well summed it up," said Old Testament professor Dr. Stanley Rudder. "Leah was no Margot Robbie, to say the least."

While heated arguments have erupted over whether certain women are "mid", theologians say Leah's poor looks are not up for debate. "It's a Biblical truth," explained Dr. Rudder. "We believe the Bible to be the inerrant word of God, and sadly for Leah, her unattractive features are literally enshrined in Scripture. Leah being 'mid' was not simply Jacob's opinion -- it is a stone-cold fact, directly backed by the word of Almighty God."

Jacob apparently first noticed Leah's eyes, which the Bible describes as "soft". "To be honest, the Bible translators apparently felt bad for Leah. The original Hebrew basically says her eyes were crossed," said Hebrew scholar Elias Peretz. "I mean, not like a little crossed. She was always keeping an eye on her nose. Plus, her name in Hebrew literally means 'fatigued'. How ugly does a baby have to be for you to name her 'Tired'?"

The scholars say they also believe that Jacob described Leah's sister Rachel as "straight bussin".

General Florg of the planet Graxon V has visited Earth - but he's having trouble understanding humans as he's never encountered a species with so many genders.