EL SEGUNDO, CA — Shareholders were briefed at an emergency meeting to address swirling rumors, as vegetarian alternative manufacturer Beyond Meat was reportedly in financial trouble after the public learned that real meat exists.

Though the meatless meat maker has denied reports that it was nearing bankruptcy, insiders revealed that the company had faced significant losses since the general population came to the realization that they can just eat actual meat.

"Much to our surprise, people prefer real meat," said Ralph Yarmon, a Beyond Meat board member. "We thought we had stumbled onto a great idea to sell people ambiguous food substances that they could pretend are meat, but a wrench was thrown into our plan by the existence of real meat."

Consumers confirmed that the discovery that they could eat actual beef, chicken, and other meat products significantly reduced their interest in eating fake meat. "Believe it or not, I prefer real meat," one former customer said. "The Beyond Meat stuff was ok when I thought that all there was, but after someone told me there are actual steaks I can eat, I just didn't see the reason for the fake stuff. Plus, eating real meat makes me much more masculine."

Beyond Meat executives remain committed to finding ways for the company to succeed. "We'll think of something," Yarmon said. "Someone had the idea for something called ‘I Can't Believe It's Not Cheese' that sounds pretty promising. It might do well as long as people don't find out about real cheese."

At publishing time, cows and chickens around the world had urged people not to believe reports that real meat exists.

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