U.S. — In an attempt to more effectively cater to underserved segments of the population, ridesharing company Lyft introduced a new "AirLyft" app that would be available for plus-sized customers.

The feature was born out of a need to protect the company from further litigation after a morbidly obese person sued Lyft due to not being able to fit into the vehicle sent to pick her up. AirLyft was created to eliminate such cases by flying huge passengers to their destinations via cargo helicopters.

"This is welcome news to all fatties, chubbos, and roundies everywhere," said Lyft marketing spokesperson Janine Granger. "We want to do whatever we need to do to provide reliable service to customers of all sizes — even total lardbutts. So now, when Tubby Bigbottom over there needs to get to the airport, he can just open up the AirLyft app and request a helicopter to come haul him away."

The company reportedly spared no expense in launching the new option. "We had to sign contracts with some military bases to get the air support we need," Granger said. "Plus, we had to shell out a lot of money for industrial-grade cabling to hold these fatties. But like I said before, we're willing to do what it takes to accommodate even the grossest customers. So here's your chance, Huge McLargePants! Catch a ride with AirLyft and feel the wind in your hair on your way to Baskin-Robbins!"

At publishing time, Lyft was also rumored to be preparing to introduce a flatbed truck option for obese customers who may be afraid of heights.

Travis is back on his mission to interview everyone. Next on the list is celebrity chef and restauranteur Andrew Gruel.