AMES, IA — Local six-year-old Aidan Thompson is greatly looking forward to the annual opportunity to spend an entire morning whacking his sister with a palm branch.
"This is going to be great," said Aidan, side-eyeing his older sister. "I love Palm Sunday."
For the past two years, First Baptist Church has presented Aidan with his very own palm branch to smack his sister Mary with throughout the 10 a.m. service. "I couldn't believe they just handed me a tree branch during church," said Aidan. "Then, I got to parade around the sanctuary clobbering my sister on the head while everyone yelled 'Hosanna!'. What a great day."
According to sources, Aidan has spent the past two weeks hitting Mary with various objects in preparation for Palm Sunday. "Yesterday I caught him chasing Mary around the house with a TV antenna," said Aidan's father, Mike. "I asked what he was doing, and he just kept saying 'getting ready for church'. It's even weirder because we've never owned a TV antenna. I understand so little of what goes on around here."
At publishing time, Aidan had reportedly been spotted hiding in the front yard bushes, waiting to jump out and scare Mary by screaming "Hosanna in the highest!!"
In this instructional video, Chinese soldiers are trained how to shout the wrong pronouns at American forces: