WASHINGTON, D.C. — In the wake of a whistleblower's claim that he approved the leaking of classified information in an attempt to take down President Donald Trump, Senator Adam Schiff expressed worry that his legal troubles would make it hard for him to afford his upcoming head reduction surgery.

Schiff, who is also embroiled in a scandal stemming from allegations that he committed mortgage fraud, reportedly told those close to him that these ongoing controversies could pose a significant roadblock in his effort to have his freakishly large head surgically reduced.

"What am I going to do about my giant watermelon head now?" he asked one staff member in his office. "I already have my head reduction surgery scheduled, but Trump and his cronies are turning up the heat on me. I'm up to my neck in this legal mess. It might even keep me from being able to keep my appointment to get this giant head of mine shrunk down to normal size. My hopes of looking like a regular human being might be gone."

Schiff's aides revealed that he feared the charges against him could result in prison time, which would preclude him from having any opportunity to live the rest of his life as a man with a normal, human-sized head. "He's terrified that the surgery won't happen," the insider said. "He's been looking forward to this procedure for years, but it'll all come crashing down if he goes to prison. He'd just be stuck in a cell with his giant head for years."

At publishing time, Schiff had introduced legislation that would require taxpayer funding for federal prison inmates to receive head-reduction surgery.

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