Back in 1492, Christopher Columbus sailed the ocean blue so that you could have an American holiday where everyone still has to work. Now it's time to honor his achievement.
Here are some great ways to celebrate this Columbus Day:
Visit San Salvador Island in the Bahamas: It's what Christopher Columbus actually discovered.
Wear tights and one of those funny hats that look like a couch pillow: Only the most authentic Columbus garb.
Buy a mattress at a moderate discount: Columbus Day is perhaps the most revered mattress store holiday.
Watch the Christopher Columbus-directed film Adventures in Babysitting: Chris Columbus's other greatest achievement.
Take the day off from work: But only if you work at a bank.
Spread Christian civilization to a savage, stone-age place: Portland, Oregon, for example.
Colonize your neighbor's house: History will show that you improved the way of life there.
Set sail for the East Indies, stop somewhere a quarter of the way through, and congratulate yourself on a successful mission: Just like the real Christopher Columbus.
Cut out someone's heart and throw their lifeless body off a cliff to make your crops grow: The age-old tradition that existed on this side of the globe before Columbus arrived.
These are just a few great ways to celebrate everyone's favorite explorer. How do you observe Columbus Day? Let us know in the comments below.
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