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As we all know firsthand, maintaining an international bribery operation is hard work. Keeping the money flowing in without getting busted by the authorities can be tricky.
Fortunately, The Babylon Bee has compiled the following list of helpful tips to get away with your foreign bribery scheme scott-free.
- Use your kindergarten-level painting skills and sell art as a cover: Nobody will ever suspect anything.
- Take an entire hard drive's worth of pictures of yourself committing disgusting acts: Might be embarrassing if someone finds it, but at least it distracts from the bribery.
- Get one of your immediate family members elected to a powerful office: Like your father, for one completely random example.
- If anyone accuses you of anything, just tell them you're a drug addict: They can't come after you if you're the real victim.
- Always have a global pandemic, war, or tragedy on hand: Creating a diversion is the key to staying under the radar.
- Have the capability to make any potential witnesses "disappear": Nobody can blow the whistle on you if they're... um, "disappeared."
- Be a Democrat: Being a member of the right party means you'll never be held accountable.
It's that easy. Follow those suggestions, and you'll never get caught — but rest easy, even if everyone finds out what you've been doing, you'll never face any consequences whatsoever! Have fun, kiddo!
NOT SATIRE: Do you know what the Jan 6th detainees do every night from the confines of their jail cells? They sing the national anthem. And have done it for more than 700 straight nights!
Click here to listen now and support them >>
The released videos showed Jan 6 was used to arrest many Trump supporters. Their innocence didn't stop the DOJ from going after them, like Alvin Bragg going after President Trump.
I launched the Kash Foundation to offer legal help to America First families like the ones from the Jan 6th witch hunts. I know what it's like because I was targeted by the DOJ when I led the Russiagate investigation for the House Committee and uncovered that the FBI was actively trying to sabotage President Trump.
Will you be one of the 1,000 patriots brave enough to fight for some of the Jan 6th detainees and their families? You can show your support by donating $10, $25, $50, or even $100 today.
Kash Patel
Nothing weird, just a bunch of bros hanging out drinking Bud Light and talking about their feelings. Just chilling. Not gay.