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Babylon Bee
The Babylon Bee
11 Mar 2025


NextImg:16 Investments Doing Better Than The Current Stock Market

Brought to you by: Priority Gold

With the stock market taking it on the chin these days, Americans are wondering if there are other places they should invest their money. Little do you know, there are some surprising investments that are total locks to outperform the current market.

The Babylon Bee is here to protect your financial future with the following list of things you can invest in that are better than the stock market:

  1. Red Lobster gift cards

  2. Wii U games

  3. Kamala Harris's 2024 presidential campaign

  4. MySpace

  5. Subscription to Christianity Today

  6. Rare JD Vances

  7. 1992 Ford Ranger pickup truck

  8. A through-the-mail DVD rental business

  9. A timeshare in Gaza

  10. Hunter Biden artwork

  11. MSNBC

  12. A degree from an Ivy League school

  13. Wendy's Frosty coupons

  14. Kanye's next album

  15. Car wash vacuum tokens

  16. Whatever Nancy Pelosi is investing in

As you can see, pretty much anything is a better investment than today's stock market Dump all of your money into any of the places listed above, and you'll do just fine.

NOT SATIRE: BREAKING: The Fed's New Master Plan to Hijack Your Money is Now in Play!

While the liberal elites fuss over tariffs and inflation, the Federal Reserve is busy unveiling its master plan to transform your bank account into a state-sponsored money vault.

That's right - the FED has teamed up with over 100 banks to:

This isn't a rumor — it's all laid out in Federal Reserve Docket No. OP-1670, a 93-page document that reveals their plan to monitor and control your finances.

But there's still time to shield yourself.

In this free Wealth Defense Guide, we'll show you 3 simple steps to shield your money from the Fed's overreach and keep your savings safe.

Click Here to Get Your Free Guide

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