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With Disney's latest animated film Wish bombing at the box office, the House of Mouse is looking for anything that can be done to correct its box office nosedive this year. Long regarded as an invincible creative force, Disney has all hands on deck to solve the problem.
The Babylon Bee has obtained the following top-secret list of moves Disney is planning to turn things around:
- Raise movie ticket prices to $300 each: It's still one-third of the price of one ticket to Disneyland.
- Do an animated remake of a live-action remake of an animated original hit: Focus groups indicate people love these.
- Add a couple of zeroes to the earnings of every movie and hope nobody notices: Cooking the books works for every other industry.
- Thaw Walt Disney out of his deep freeze and put him in charge again: He'll know what to do!
- Digitally add Baby Yoda to every film and TV series: Baby Yoda makes everything better.
- Release Frozen in theaters again: See it for the 1,000th time, but on the BIG SCREEN!
- Call George Lucas back and try to sell Star Wars back to him for a profit: C'mon, George, you know you want it back.
- Sell raffle tickets to let one lucky fan slap Rian Johnson: You'll sell millions of them.
- All executives must now bring their own snacks to their weekly satanic rituals: With as often as the company has these shindigs, they'll make their money back in no time.
- Go back to actually making original, entertaining, wholesome movies that are great for the entire family: Nah, that won't work.
There you have it — once Disney checks all those boxes, it'll be back to smooth sailing with their bottom line.
NOT SATIRE: Audiences are so passionate about The Shift that theaters are SELLING OUT! Don't miss this unique theatrical experience.
Theaters are feeling the energy and opening new locations and showtimes! Book your tickets now to get the best seats.
In this modern-day retelling of the book of Job, Kevin gets separated from the love of his life, Molly, when a mysterious adversary known as The Benefactor sends him to an alternate dystopian reality.
Will hope and faith be enough for him to find his way back? The studio that brought you Sound of Freedom now brings you The Shift. In theaters December 1.
Their culture is not your costume. DO NOT appropriate ghost, zombie, or vampire culture this Halloween.