New military fitness standards were all the buzz today, as Secretary of War Pete Hegseth announced that all personnel would be expected to meet higher criteria moving forward. But what, exactly, will be required?
The Babylon Bee has obtained the following exclusive list of changes Hegseth is making to military health requirements:
Must consume a minimum of 7 pounds of beef per day: This does not include the expected daily supplements of raw bovine liver.
Must be skinny enough to fit through the top hatch of an Abrams tank: Getting stuck will get you immediately thrown in the brig.
Can get up out of a chair: Surprisingly, 92% of generals can't do this without assistance.
Must be at least 5 years removed from their last bowl of Lucky Charms: You can enjoy delicious cereal, or you can be a highly trained killing machine. You can't be both.
Must be able to push a commie out of a helicopter with one hand: One of the most important skills our nation's finest should have.
Be up to date on all inoculations against the woke mind virus: This one will solve more problems in the military than just physical fitness.
Anyone who runs like a little fairy-boy will be dishonorably discharged: No fruitcakes allowed.
Must be able to pick up hot chicks: This applies to both scoring dates with them and physically lifting them off the ground.
Anyone who can't scale the Pentagon wall with a grappling hook is out: You have to do stuff like this literally every day in the army.
Must have a Y chromosome: This automatically makes someone way, way stronger.
With these new standards, the U.S. military will be back in tip-top shape in no time. What other changes should be made to military fitness requirements? Post your ideas in the comments.
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