Another State of the Union address is upon us! As frightening as that may be to hear, it is important for the American people to hear from the president and find out about all the things that have been accomplished in the last year.

The Babylon Bee has obtained an exclusive advance copy of Biden's speech, in which he will cover the following achievements:

1. Creation of several brand new words: This will be accomplished just during the speech itself.
2. Finalization of the Louisiana Purchase: He will announce he hammered out the deal with Napoleon last week.
3. The Mexico-Egypt border has been totally secured and there are no problems down there whatsoever: But if there is a problem, it's the MAGA Republicans' fault.
4. War with Samoa has been averted: Diplomacy has won out despite Biden's primary loss on Tuesday.
5. Unprecedented financial security for Ukrainian oligarchs: We can't allow these dear people to face retirement without a solid nest egg.
6. Imported millions of new voters: It's a brand new America, folks.
7. Raised dementia awareness: Americans have never been so keenly aware of the signs of senility.
8. Record number of military personnel wearing skirts: Some of them are even women.
9. Earned a gold star for going potty in the toilet three days in a row: Breaking his personal record.
10. Became the first president in history to bring the country to the brink of civil war, revolutionary war, and world war simultaneously: The history books are being re-written right before our eyes.

Looking at the list above, it's plain to see that it's ridiculous for anyone to claim Joe Biden doesn't do anything. Just think of what he could do with four more years!

It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.