WASHINGTON, D.C. — The White House physician has released a full report on Biden's annual physical exam, confirming the President is, technically speaking, still alive. "Yes, he's pushing air in and out of his lungs," said Dr. Kevin O'Connor. "Also his heart's beating. So yeah, he's still alive medically." The report went on to say Biden has been given a clean bill of health to serve as President until next year when medical professionals will once again check for vital signs.

This man is under arrest - for MANSPLAINING!