OPINION:
Introducing our newest version of the popular board game — Clue: White House Cocaine Edition! Brought to you by Hasbro.
“The mystery you love to solve again and again is even more intense! Clue is back with a modern twist, and you have to find out who is responsible for murdering the host at a millionaire’s mansion or a boardwalk.”
Or, in this case, planting a dime bag of coke in the White House.
It’s a 3-D mystery, starting with where the cocaine was found. First, it was in the Library. Then it was the West Wing Lobby. Now it was in the cubbies outside the Situation Room!
Fun for the whole family! Actually, no it’s not. For the second time in the board game’s history, this is a rated edition. NSFW Clue. Though we should perhaps be grateful that unlike the late-90s edition, this one features no cigars. Yet.
Forever the game has been for kids ages 8 years and up — mainly because a child younger than 8 might swallow the candlestick. However, due to the nature of the crimes and the characters involved, Clue: White House Cocaine Edition is for mature audiences only.
Exact age depends on the laws of the state in which you reside. Check local listings for how old you have to be to go to a strip club. (Supplies not available in Utah.)
In this edition, Miss Scarlet is a stripper, Mrs. Peacock runs a whore house and Mrs. White provides all the highest grade white powder you could dream of.
In the original game, Miss Scarlet was a teenager but for legal reasons she had to be swapped out for a 21-year-old because the creepy “Host” kept sniffing her hair.
Mr. Green runs the global corruption syndicate and collects all the money for the Host and his family. Also known as “The Bagman,” Mr. Green works directly with the drug-addled, whore-loving deadbeat son of the Host — who definitely isn’t responsible for the dime bag of cocaine found in the Library.
Col. Mustard works in the press shop. She is a historic figure as the first African-American woman lesbian ever featured in a game of Clue. Her job is to lie about everything by slathering it with mustard to throw you off the scent.
“That question is actually incredibly irresponsible,” she will scold if you ask any questions about the crime.
And then there is Professor Plum, whose Secret Service name inside the White House is “Bunter Hiden.” He is always sweaty and nervous. Often seen wearing a silk purple robe with nothing under it. Also often seen not wearing a silk purple robe.
Professor Plum is interesting because he is the character with widest access to the entire White House — often found roaming the darkened hallways from the Library to the Situation Room.
In previous administrations, the “Situation Room” was where the nation’s top generals and intelligence officials met to discuss matters of grave national security. Under the Biden Administration, the “Situation Room” has been shuttered for repairs and the entire White House has been converted into one giant “Situation Room” because that’s where Professor Plum — aka “Bunter Hiden” or “The Situation” — now inexplicably resides.
It’s all very confusing.
Further enlivening the game of Clue: White House Cocaine Edition are the various weapons. Generally, they are the same weapons you are familiar with from the classic game of Clue, though the pieces are sometimes used differently and incorrectly — especially by Professor Plum.
The Candlestick, for instance, is used for lighting the crack pipes in this version of the game. The Lead Pipe is used for snorting cocaine and — inexplicably — for blowing paint onto canvas to be sold for a half-million dollars. And the Rope — well, this is a family newspaper and we cannot explain what Professor Plum uses the Rope for.
And the Revolver has been swapped out for an illegally purchased Colt Cobra .38 Special that was dumped in a public trashcan before being retrieved by Secret Service as part of an effort to protect Professor Plum.
Also, there is an additional piece for Clue: White House Cocaine Edition board game — a Crack Pipe. Warning: Like the Candlestick, the Crack Pipe is a swallowing hazard for children under 8 years old.
• Charles Hurt is the opinion editor at The Washington Times.