Do you know the difference between “polyamory” and “open monogamy”? Because if you don’t, and you just call any relationship where at least one partner has sex with other people “polyamory,” then you are being “misleading at best and potentially harmful at worst.”
This is all according to “Sex & Relationships Doctor” Zhana Vrangalova, Ph.D.
Dr. Zhana is happy about all the positive media coverage “consensual non-monogamy” has been getting lately, but she is upset that everyone is calling it “polyamory” without properly distinguishing between the different kinds of “consensual non-monogamy.”
According to Dr. Zhana, “Polyamory is a form of partnered non-monogamy involving multiple committed ROMANTIC relationships at the same time.”
This is not to be confused with “open monogamy,” which is a form of partnered nonmonogamy involving one committed relationship and multiple sexual partners (with the consent of everyone involved).
See, they are totally separate things. “Navigating multiple committed love relationships at the same time is VERY different from navigating one committed open relationship that allows casual sex partners on the side,” Dr. Zhana claims. “It is ABSOLUTELY possible to have fulfilling, satisfying, and ethical non-monogamous relationships. But you can’t win the open monogamy game playing by polyamory rules, and you can’t win the polyamory game playing by open monogamy rules.”
But are the “rules” of “open monogamy” really that different from the “rules” of polyamory?
Whether or not you are casually having sex with multiple people who are not your main partner, or romantically having sex with one person who is not your main partner, there are still boundaries that have to constantly be negotiated.
Can I bring an extra partner home? Are there any types of extra partners that are not allowed? How much time am I allowed to spend with extra partners and not with you? Whether you are casually picking random people up or sticking with one extra person, all these questions must be answered.
And even then, at what point does a “casual” sex partner become a “romantic” sex partner? Twice? Three times? Four? Must both partners keep track of how many times the other person is having sex with each individual outside partner to make sure no romance evolves? That sounds like a lot of work.
In the bible of consensual nonmonogamy, The Ethical Slut, authors Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton argue that “the nuclear family … is a relic of the twentieth century middle-class” and that jealousy is a social construct that can be unlearned.
Whether you are in a polyamorous relationship or open monogamous one, Hardy and Easton expect all ethical nonmonogamists to control their own jealousy. “You cannot deal constructively with jealousy by making other people wrong,” they write. “Like it or not, the only person who can make that jealousy hurt less or go away is you.”
CLICK HERE TO READ MORE FROM THE WASHINGTON EXAMINER
And it is this ethic that makes “ethical” nonmonogamy such a contradiction in terms. Ethical nonmonogamists may claim they are all about “consent,” but the whole enterprise is about browbeating reluctant partners into getting over their own jealousy, whether or not you’re into having sex with one person outside a committed relationship, or many.
It is most often men who emotionally extort their female partners into agreeing to nonmonogamy. There is nothing ethical about that.