It’s universally acknowledged that anyone sitting next to a person who is using a device — phone, laptop, whatever — is allowed to spy. If you’re tapping away on something, expect to have your emails and texts peered at by your seatmates. That’s the price we all pay for having private conversations on a public platform. But it’s also a rule that you’re not supposed to make the spying obvious. You’re not supposed to lean over, point to the other person’s screen, and say, “Why don’t you count to 10 before you send that text?” or “I think you misspelled chlamydia.”
Last week, I was waiting for the ferry from Hyannis to Nantucket and had ducked into the waiting area to do a little work before they started loading up the cars. The fellow sitting next to me didn’t know this rule, apparently, because he leaned over to helpfully suggest “You need to get a new computer.” He had noticed the deep cracks in the lower edge of my laptop screen. And he kept at it. “Looks like you dropped it?” asked my new friend. “Or maybe did you close it on something?”
“Not sure,” I said, using a clipped, harried tone of voice that I hoped would convey that I’m the kind of person who doesn’t really want to talk to his kind of person. I just wanted a few minutes of peace and quiet to type some emails and eat a bag of pistachios from the vending machine.
“Well, you’re probably going to have to get a new computer, from the looks of it.”
I grunted and continued typing and eating without looking up, which a normal person would interpret as This is all I’m going to get out of this guy, let’s see what the guy to my left is working on. It didn’t work.
“I guess cracked screens don’t bother you much,” he added jovially while tapping lightly on my iPhone, which has a few cracks on it as well. “Probably need a new one of these, too, huh?”
Which was the last straw. Busybodies and buttinskies I can accept. Know-it-alls and screen spies are all part of the rich human tapestry. But what really gets my anger engine roaring is the kind of person who thinks that a few little scratches here and there, maybe a couple of cracks in the screen, is a reason to shell out $3,000 for a brand-new MacBook Air or $1,000 for a new iPhone.
“Sorry,” I said, “not gonna fall for that one. Both of these devices work fine — they’re both about five years old, by the way — and I can carry them around and I don’t have to worry about a little damage because they’re both already damaged.”
My friend was beginning to regret this conversation. I was just getting started.
“Did you know that iPhone sales have dropped precipitously since the beginning of the year? Down about 10%, actually. And overall Apple sales are down nearly 5%. What do you think that’s about?”
He began inching away. “I’ll tell you what that’s about. It’s about people like me who don’t care about this” — I pointed to my cracked laptop screen — “Or this” — I held up my iPhone — “Because both of these things work. Sure, they’re both a little damaged, but who cares? Everything is a little bit damaged. I mean, I am. You are. So is everyone around us.” On his face was a look that said, This man is a lunatic and is going to follow me onto the ferry and talk to me for the next two hours.
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“You want someone to replace you when you’re a little scuffed and cracked? Yeah, I didn’t think so.” The ferry horn blew. They were starting to load up. People in the waiting room gathered their stuff and headed to the cars. I looked at my new friend in triumph and closed my laptop with a dramatic flourish. Game, set, and match. He won’t be such a chatterbox next time.
It was only later, when I opened my laptop, that I realized that in my zeal to create a mic drop moment I had inadvertently shut the lid on a pistachio shell, turning the small cracks in my computer screen into one very large crack. All of which led to this exact moment, when I am finishing this sentence on a brand-new MacBook Air.
Rob Long is a television writer and producer, including as a screenwriter and executive producer on Cheers, and he is the co-founder of Ricochet.com.