The New York Times “ethicist columnist” is taking on what is apparently quite a dilemma for anybody looking for an excuse to stop visiting certain loved ones — or maybe “former loved ones” might be a better way to put it:

The fact that the question even had to be asked is quite telling.

The Times ethics columnist is THIS close to “is it OK to smother grandma with a pillow because she doesn’t remember who I am?”

It’s not just about your grandparent not being able to remember you, and the element of selfishness in the question is something else.

As for the actual suggestion, the answer to the question should just be “yes” but this is the NY Times so naturally it’s not that simple:

There’s a reason that Alzheimer’s disease is known as “the long goodbye”; the condition means that we lose more and more of a loved one day by day. And your tribute to your grandmother makes it clear how difficult all this has been. I had a grandmother who figured large in my life, too, and her death, when I was 24, was my first profound experience of grief.

But when you think about a future when your grandmother’s deterioration has progressed even further, you should bear in mind that it won’t arrive at any clear date. For a while, she might still take pleasure in your company, whether or not she retains a memory of it. In time, though, this level of awareness may fade as well. Whatever is noble about visiting people in those circumstances, it isn’t that you’re truly helping them. Perhaps it’s akin to tending a grave, something you do in honor of a past you shared. Yet other considerations can matter more. If your grandmother is anything like mine, your well-being will have been a priority of hers. This includes your emotional well-being; someone who needs to look after young children, certainly, must also look after herself.

So is that a yes, or a no?

Unreal.

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