We wanted to understand the changing seasons on the planet, so naturally, we turned to the expert on explaining pretty much any complex topic, Kamala Harris. Here is what she told us: 

You see, we all live on this beautiful blue planet called Earth. It's a big planet. And blue. The thing about the earth is, it sort of tilts on its 'axle' as it spins and spins and spins and spins around that bigger yellow ball that we call the sun. Kind of like I do after a couple of boxes of wine. Did you know that the sun is very hot? It's true. Shelia Jackson Lee said so.

But with the passage of time, sometimes our planet tilts closer to the sun. Like I do toward a billion dollars of dark campaign money. We call that time 'summer.' I remember when I used to shout 'fweedom' every year as a child when summer came around. With the passage of more time, we tilt away further away from the sun. Like I do whenever Doug Emhoff raises his pimp-slapping hand. Those times are called 'winter.' Winter is cold. Cold like my feelings toward Joe Biden.

During this endless passage of time, there are other seasons called fall and spring. I don't know anything about those. But I hear they are nice. There's something about clouds in all of this too, which is where we store all of our data. 

Wait, what was I talking about? Where's the bar? 

Aww, thanks, Madame Thank-God-You-Will-Never-Be President. (And thanks to Grok as well for the assist.) But maybe you could give this lecture to the 'journalists' at ABC News who don't seem to understand that, on Earth and in America, we have changing seasons, and with those different seasons come changes in weather patterns. 

Yesterday, ABC News issued a dire new warning for Americans as we gradually exit out of winter and head into warmer weather. There's going to be more disease! Disease that could ... and probably will ... kill us all!

Wow. Congratulations, ABC News. You just discovered ... every spring ever since the beginning of time. 

A surge in disease-spreading pests like ticks, mosquitoes, cockroaches and rodents is expected in regions that experienced especially warm or wet winters this season, according to the National Pest Management Association's bi-annual Public Health Pest Index.

These pests can spread dangerous diseases such as Lyme disease, West Nile virus, Salmonella, plague, and hantavirus, said Jorge Parada, medical adviser for NPMA with a focus on infectious disease, in a statement. These types of pests can also trigger asthma and allergies, Parada said.

Golly! Thanks for the fearmongering. And for yet another lesson in why the legacy media is dead. 

Maybe the only saving grace about winter (at least for this warm-weather writer) is that there are almost no mosquitos in the cold weather. As temperatures rise, along with typical spring moisture, those pests return, as well as animals like rats. 

This happens ... EVERY ... YEAR!

But according to ABC, the reason it is happening THIS year is  -- you guessed it -- 'climate change.' 

They really outdid themselves this time. Someone call Pulitzer.

One of these years, we can wipe out pests that carry disease forever. If only we would send the government more of our tax money. 

Yep, they tapped into all of their favorite catchphrases. 

We're a little disappointed that they didn't include 'experts warn' though. Subtract two social credit score points for that unforgivable gaffe. 

Maybe if they see this article, they can write a follow-up story claiming that conservatives are 'pouncing and seizing' on the report. 

First, it was global cooling. Then, global warming. Then, climate change. Get ready for the new hotness: 'climate deviation.'

Otherwise known as every day of every year since forever.

Shhhhh. We're not supposed to talk about how the outbreak of some diseases like measles can be traced directly back to the flood of illegal immigrants who swarmed over our border for four years.

It would be RAAAAYCISSSST to call them 'pests.'

HAAAAAAAA. 

That'll show those pesky mosquitos. If they don't have a green card, it's back to Venezuela with all of them. 

And they kind of suck at it, to be perfectly honest. 

The truth is that across much of the United States, this has been a colder-than-normal winter. In some areas of the South, granted, it has been warmer-than-normal. Because those areas are ... wait for it ... in the South. 

Oops. We feel like we are channeling the drunk former vice president again. 

So, yes, for people who live in, say, New Orleans, you may see a lot of rats with the coming spring. Something New Orleans has NEVER had to deal with in the past, of course.

And there will be a lot of mosquitos in Florida. Why did Ron DeSantis DO this to everyone?

Thanks for the emergency bulletin, ABC News. But something tells us that Americans would prefer if you just left us all alone with your fear porn.

Allergies suck, no argument there. 

But we'll deal with them the way we always have every spring. By complaining a lot and taking a Zyrtec.