'Tis the season for people pretending to have odd sexual orientations … apparently.
As Twitchy readers know, we told you about a woman who identifies as a bandwagon, goalpost-moving sexuality known as 'abrosexual'.
The subject of this story, however, claims to be attracted to a giant oak tree. Would that make her 'arborsexual'?
Nope. She claims to be an 'ecosexual', not to be confused with 'echosexuals', who are attracted to the sound of their own voices.
Yes, we just made that up. In our defense, they're just making this stuff up too.
'A big misconception is that ecosexuality means sex between people and nature, it’s a different way to explore the erotic,' the forest fetishist explained. 'To watch the changing of the seasons is to me an erotic act. You go from death in winter and then everything comes alive in spring and mates.'
In other words, she's nuts … or acorns.
Evergreen. LOL.
Bwahaha!
Tree marriage seems like a bad idea, especially with oak trees. Many oak trees are marcescent, you see, which means they do not drop their leaves until spring. Entering into holy matrimony with such a tree runs afoul of the warning against being unequally oaked with an un-de-leafer. (We worked hard for that one. We're not even sorry.)
Un-poplar opinion: It's way too hard to avoid contradictions in the rules when you attempt to normalize insanity.
Finally, someone who sees the forest past the trees.
LOL. Well played.
We're guessing there's a 90-percent chance she becomes a tweezersexual at some point.
Fine. We'll just turn over the puns to you folks now … fir real.
That's what we're talking about!
Ecosexual tree-hugger lady: 'Hey, Groot. You wanna get with me?'
Groot: 'No.'
Hawt! That tree clearly exfoliagates.
Perfect.
We just can't take any more.
We're gonna leaf you with that one, spruce up our timeline, branch out into some non-deviant content, and get back to our roots on more traditional Democrat insanity.
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