Forget Superman this weekend. After all, the director (and his brother) hate us all anyway, so why would we pay any money to buy a ticket to James Gunn's 'immigrant story'?
Especially when America's favorite superhero is giving it away for free.
That's right. He's back.
Look! Down to the South! It's a python! It's a gator! It's ... FLORIDA MAN!
On Independence Day weekend, the beloved eponymous crusader for truth, justice, and meth-fueled antics made his long-awaited reappearance in Key West.
According to The New York Post, last Friday was Florida Man's birthday. (We always knew he was born on the Fourth of July.)
And what better way to celebrate than taking a train on an unscheduled tour of Key West's many sights and landmarks?
A man in Florida was arrested on his birthday Friday after authorities caught him absconding with a trackless sightseeing train, and even picking up passengers, while high on meth.
Jonathan Patrick Winslow was celebrating his 57th trip around the sun on a raucous Independence Day when he turned up at the Conch Tour Train Depot in Key West and allegedly weaseled his way into conducting one of their vehicles.
Winslow allegedly bamboozled a well-meaning employee into forking over the keys after claiming he used to work at the company years prior and requesting a tour of the train, according to an arrest report obtained by WPLG.
Authorities had a general idea of who they were looking for almost immediately, as Winslow had left his Kia still running in the parking lot of the depot blasting rock music, according to an arrest report.
Police were able to nab Winslow and the train was intact. He’d somehow cajoled two oblivious strangers into joining him for the ride, authorities said.
Come on. Those tourists had a train ride they'll never forget. But we have to give honorary Florida Man Sidekick status to the employee at the train depot who couldn't recognize a raving nutjob high on meth when he saw one.
We can only hope the song that was blaring from Winslow's Kia was this one:
This Florida Man wasn't just battling iguanas or swimming around in a Bass Pro Shop. Like a modern-day Jesse James, he actually hijacked a train.
It is the Florida Man battle cry.
If your birthday party DOESN'T involve absconding with a train for a joyride, frankly, we don't want to be invited.
The police are just plain thieves of joy.
God bless the U.S.A.
Those two will have a story for their grandchildren, that's for sure.
Right? That's what we said!
See? Take THAT, haughty Europeans.
Our trains are way more fun than yours.
Not many of us can do what Florida Man does, but we all wish we could.
Frankly, whether or not the man did previously work for the tour company, as he claimed, they should definitely offer him a job when he gets out.
Ron DeSantis should pardon him immediately.
Maybe even offer him a job at Alligator Alcatraz. He could provide boat tours of the Everglades for the detainees.
And drop them off in the middle somewhere.
HA! Probably.
All imitators need to pay homage and kiss his ring.
Every hobo riding the rails will sing songs of praise to him for generations to come.
One of the best ever. Which gives us an idea ...
Make it happen!
See, Hollywood? We don't want woke Superman, woke Captain America, woke Fantastic Four, or whatever nonsense Lucasfilm is putting out next.
We want Florida Man!
He's not the hero we deserve, but the hero we need.