Quick, everybody care what a bunch of impotent, fussy foreigners think about us! No, really, we should give a damn that some herring-gobbling fjord jockey is mad about Donald Trump. Yeah, Norwegians totally matter. But not really. No foreigner matters. Not Canadians, not the English, not the Arabs (especially of the nonexistent Palestinian variety), not the Papua/New Guineans. Here’s the reality. Most foreigners are trash. Most people who aren’t Americans suck. And treacherous Americans who presume to leverage the puny outrage of second-rate cultures against ours deserve our contempt and mockery almost as much as the foreigners themselves.

They think we’re dumb, New World rubes with too much in the way of guns, calories, and Jesus. In contrast, we barely think of them at all.

Donald Trump went to the United Nations the other day and did something that American presidents aren’t supposed to do, which is refuse to pretend that the delegates aren’t a motley bunch of pompous cronies of mostly pathetic potentates. The last time any of us thought the UN was anything but a corrupt clusterfark of jumped-up chiselers trying to hustle greenbacks from Uncle Sucker was back in second grade when we collected pennies for UNICEF, you know, before our public school teachers replaced that particular brand of performative onanism with drag queen story hour. 

What really gets to them is Trump‘s total contempt for the UN and everything and everyone it represents. He’s not just unimpressed by their pretensions to dignity; he actively despises them. That’s why he wouldn’t let it go about the escalator that they couldn’t make work (assuming it was not done on purpose, in which case our new ambassador Mike Waltz should nuke the entire site from orbit). Trump famously made his escalator work. These dummies collect billions of dollars a year, and they can’t even operate the same kind of moving stairway you can find functioning in a zillion shopping malls. That’s a microcosm of the UN’s failure around the world. We give it money, and it squanders it. It demands respect, and it generates enough hot air to make the climate change hoax real. Weak American leaders treat it like it matters, but Trump laughs at it. No wonder the Turtle Bay losers are big mad.

Now, I admit I’m biased against foreigners. I lived among them in their garbage homelands for a significant part of my life. Back when I was a young lieutenant, I was stationed in Stuttgart doing my very small part to keep the red hordes of the Warsaw Pact on their side of the Fulda Gap. The fact that many of you have absolutely no idea what I’m talking about is a testimony to how well we did our job. But why did we have that job in the first place? Because the freaking Europeans not only have a multi-thousand-year history of butchering each other, but because they managed to both create and embrace two of the most loathsome and despicable ideologies in all of human history, the twin socialist pathologies of Nazism and communism. If it weren’t for those poisonous creeds, Americans would not have had to head over to Europe to knock heads together and then sit there for going on a century – we’re still there under the auspices of the welfare program known as NATO – keeping them from killing each other. 

Now, let me tell you about the Germans. There’s a reason my ancestors picked up and got the hell out of there 250 years ago. Germany and Germans suck. It’s a terrible country full of terrible people with a terrible culture that does terrible things unless somebody has his boot on their collective terrible neck. They’re unique in their combination of unjustified arrogance, moral illiteracy, and irritating anal retentiveness, alternating between feckless weakness – they’ve starved their military into near nothingness in order to subsidize the zillions of Third World sociopaths they’ve invited into der Fatherland – and homicidal psychopathy that has lain dormant under their unsmiling, pale visage for the last 80 years. The Germans’ big problem with the Nazis – if you’ve ever pounded too many steins of lager with them at a volksfest, which I have, they’ll tell you – is that the Nazis lost.

And I also spent a year deployed refereeing the incomprehensible internal feuds among the various sects, tribes, and ethnicities of the Balkans, in my case, in Kosovo. Nothing like having to pick up the pieces of communism before the locals could chop up their neighbors into pieces with shovels and axes. There’s a reason I have been telling Americans for over 10 years, in both columns and novels, that you don’t want to start creating new rules because that leads to very, very bad things, and I saw it up close in Kosovo. 

Don’t even get me started about Ukraine, where I spent time training their soldiers and puking my guts out. I’ve never been so sick in my life. It was like working in an open sewer, except with more bribery. There’s this smell that lingers in the air behind the old Iron Curtain, a potent mix of disinfectant, decay, and dread, that you can’t get out of your nostrils even after you’ve gotten the hell out of there.

Oh, and I got to spend some time in the Middle East, too. Here’s a little bit of advice, besides “Don’t go.” Don’t shake anybody’s left hand, and that hose in the toilet? It’s for exactly what you think.

Now, leftist Americans are the most parochial people in the world because the only thing they know about America is New York and Los Angeles, and the only thing they know about the rest of the world is London, Paris, Berlin, and maybe a little bit of Italy. Yet, they will share the full range of their inexperience and ignorance with those of us who have spent quality time there with the locals. They insist we have much to learn from foreigners. No, we don’t. The only thing foreigners have to teach us is what not to do. We’re constantly hearing about how other countries have these wonderful free health care systems, but nobody tells you that you can’t get an MRI for 12 months or that the one treatment that you can get right away is a lethal injection. Every time you visit one of these countries, half the public employees are on strike. In many cases, the friendliest people you will meet are the gypsies who try to steal your wallet. Hilariously, Europeans have been appalled because Americans who catch them beat the crap out of them, and this is when we are at a disadvantage because we’re limping because we’ve banged our legs up in the tiny cells they call hotel rooms. Air-conditioning is a luxury, and there’s nary a man-sized car to be seen. Guns? None, unlike in America, where citizens are armed. In lesser countries – which is all of them – guns are for the masters, and the people themselves are serfs.

Foreigners are an example all right – a cautionary one.

But that doesn’t stop them from offering their stupid opinions. They’re all over Twitter venting about the US of A like old men shouting at clouds. They’re very mad at Donald Trump. They’re baffled by how we proudly celebrate our faith and our patriotism; the only thing they believe in is climate change and maximizing the pension they get starting at 43 years old.

They throw words like “fascist” around, and to be fair, they are the experts since foreigners invented the concept. It’s kind of funny to watch them vent, as if their flaccid fury matters to us. They’re nothing. They’re not militarily significant. They’re not economically significant. And a significant number of them are not sexually significant, to judge by the plummeting birth rates of the Europeans who have given up their civilization to the Third World masses and appear intent on running out the clock watching soccer and the Eurovision Song Contest.

It’s funny how they attempt to speak to us as peers. It’s actually quite adorable.

I enjoy appearing on foreign news networks as a commentator, where I’m inevitably paired with their American correspondent, who is, of course, based in Washington, D.C., as opposed to in America. And it blows their minds when I say things like, “We totally voted for what Trump is doing,” “Diversity is a system designed to allow losers who can’t hack to get access to what achievers earn,” “We don’t arrest Americans for mean tweets because we’re civilized,” and – this one always gets a gasp – “America has a terrible assault weapons problem, in that not every law-abiding, healthy adult American citizen has an assault weapon.” I am rarely asked back, even if I’m not tossed off the air.

Now, we must be fair. Not all foreigners are garbage. Just most of them. I married someone who was a foreigner until she became an American and, therefore, better than foreigners. And some foreigners are fine. I had a very good time in Paris last year. I loved Portugal this year. Now, both of those countries idiotically decided to recognize the non-country of Palestine lately because they are terrified of the even worse foreigners who they let into their midst, but you know, they’ve got good wine, and you have to give them credit for that. That’s something. It’s not much, but it’s something.

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