sometimes,
i am unsure how to survive surviving.

i miss the chance to be better for her,
better, kinder, truer, more patient, more loving
more selfless.

and i am so happy these days,
so miserably happy.
i have so much happiness
and a surfeit of blessings:
stalwart friends and steadfast family;
new life and new beginnings.

but sometimes
i yearn to leave,
to go fast, to go far,
far away.
to hide my face, to hide my shame, to hide myself from this world
and especially from my self.

happiness is my mark of Cain,
wrought from good fortune and much regret.
a mark that both keeps me breathing and weighs me down.
my happiness is a blemish on my sorrow,
a gaping hole in my soul and a salve for my undeserving heart.
a grace so unwarranted,
a blessing so generous,
i bow in shame and hapless gratitude.

The Imaginative Conservative applies the principle of appreciation to the discussion of culture and politics—we approach dialogue with magnanimity rather than with mere civility. Will you help us remain a refreshing oasis in the increasingly contentious arena of modern discourse? Please consider donating now.

We hope you will join us in The Imaginative Conservative community. The Imaginative Conservative is an online journal for those who seek the True, the Good and the Beautiful. We address culture, liberal learning, politics, political economy, literature, the arts, and the American Republic in the tradition of Russell Kirk, T.S. Eliot, Edmund Burke, Irving Babbitt, Wilhelm Roepke, Robert Nisbet, Richard Weaver, M.E. Bradford, Eric Voegelin, Christopher Dawson, Paul Elmer More, and other leaders of Imaginative Conservatism. Some conservatives may look at the state of Western culture and the American Republic and see a huge dark cloud which seems ready to unleash a storm that may well wash away what we most treasure of our inherited ways. Others focus on the silver lining which may be found in the next generation of traditional conservatives who have been inspired by Dr. Kirk and his like. We hope that The Imaginative Conservative answers T.S. Eliot’s call to “redeem the time, redeem the dream.” The Imaginative Conservative offers to our families, our communities, and the Republic, a conservatism of hope, grace, charity, gratitude, and prayer.

The featured image is courtesy of Pixabay.