In decades past, private investigators outed adulterers by following them to seedy motels. In the 21st century, it’s full-blown online public humiliation that extends to a global level. What if we put all that energy to positive use in our culture and communities instead?
Unless you’ve been hiding in a cave, there’s been no avoiding the news about Coldplay’s recent sold-out concert at Gillette Stadium in Foxborough, Massachusetts. During the band’s “Jumbotron Song,” an improvisational tune the band has regularly performed in concert since January 2024, the stadium’s jumbotron scanned the audience as lead singer Chris Martin searched for song-worthy subjects. When the camera stopped on an attractive silver-haired man and a long-haired blonde cuddling happily, Martin said, “Oh, look at those two.”
When Martin spoke, the couple suddenly realized they’d been caught on camera and immediately untangled. He ducked down, out of sight. She covered her face with her hands and turned her back to the camera, as Martin said, “Either they’re having an affair or they’re very shy.” The crowd erupted in laughter.
A Coldplay fan caught the moment on film, and the clip went viral. The man was quickly identified as Andy Byron, CEO of Astronomer, a privately held tech company headquartered in New York City worth over $1 billion. News reports claim the woman is Astronomer’s chief of HR, Kristin Cabot. Both are apparently married to other people. Byron’s wife allegedly removed her last name before promptly shuttering her Facebook account; the man assumed to be Cabot’s second husband is the CEO of a rum company. Byron has two children; Cabot’s motherly status is unclear, though a photo shows her with the rum CEO and two children.
Soon after the concert, the LinkedIn accounts of both executives disappeared. Then Astronomer issued a statement saying the board of directors had initiated a formal investigation, adding: “Astronomer is committed to the values and culture that have guided us since our founding. Our leaders are expected to set the standard in both conduct and accountability.”
Byron and Cabot were reportedly placed on leave, though Astronomer’s statement only mentioned Byron, who has since resigned. Astronomer said it had installed company founder Peter DeJoy as interim CEO while it conducted a search for Byron’s permanent replacement.
Less than a week after the incident, news outlets can’t seem to get enough of the pair, with more recent footage allegedly showing the pair kissing before the jumbotron moment. The entire ordeal has gone global.
The social media firestorm shows no signs of stopping. Even LinkedIn, where controversial posts are generally a no-no, has become a lively space for gossip. In addition to plain old-fashioned laughter and jeering, commenters have created jokes and memes. The number of shares is — no pun intended — astronomical. In stadiums across the country, fans and sports teams have created their own videos mocking the couple.
The sum of it all is pure scorn.
It’s a sad affair, no doubt. And outrage is indeed a proper response to adultery. Infidelity is a grave problem in our country, and research shows a high correlation between infidelity and divorce. Countless families have suffered from the scourge of unchecked no-fault divorce in our country for over 50 years. Extensive evidence about the negative consequences of divorce to children can no longer be ignored, and myths about “good divorce” should no longer be accepted. On every level of wellness, the lives of men, women, and children have been devastated.
Although Astronomer’s executives have been mocked for their alleged infidelity, our culture glamorizes infidelity and worships celebrities who embrace it. State laws against adultery are being rescinded. Indeed, six months ago, New York Gov. Kathy Hochul signed a bill repealing the misdemeanor statute against adultery, calling it “silly” and outdated.” In divorce actions, infidelity rarely influences property division.
And get this: Cheaters can file for divorce themselves and receive one, no questions asked.
Nobody believes Byron, a reported multimillionaire already, tendered his resignation without a golden handshake. Unlike most families, his will probably be OK financially in the event of divorce. But no amount of money can compensate for the emotional trauma of betrayal.
Given this reality, the online buzz and outrage are the height of hypocrisy — and not helpful to anyone. Public shaming can be dangerous, with the potential to destroy lives in an instant. Don’t just think about Byron and Cabot; think about their spouses, children, and extended families.
A few online commenters have called for mercy. But how about showing both outrage and mercy on behalf of the innocent spouses and children in our culture who are drawn into these nightmares? Do something besides moral policing and shaming from a computer screen. Marriage and families are the best public goods we’ve got in our culture. Ben Carson has a list of great ideas in his new book about the cultural war on America’s families. Let’s do something to preserve them. Otherwise, all we’re left with is online hot air and hate.
No doubt, everyone knows someone who has ruined his or her own marriage and family. Why not pour a little righteous justice their way and stop inviting them to your parties or installing them as leaders in your churches and communities? Stand up for those left-behind spouses who are regularly shamed for trying to save their marriages and families.
And if you know of couples burdened by infidelity who still want to try to make a go of it, research shows you, as their friend, can help them.
“Saving any marriage after an affair is hard work,” author and national infidelity expert Michele Weiner-Davis told me. “That said, reconciliation is definitely possible.” But here’s the thing, she added, “It is particularly hard work for high-profile couples whose affairs are made public in embarrassing ways, such as with the [alleged] Byron/Cabot affair.”
That means the public shaming is on us.